The Trump Presidency Timeline

In a dazzling display of brilliance, former President Donald Trump has launched his very own cryptocurrency meme coin, $TRUMP, which yo-yos in value just like his political stances. Kicking off at $6.50 and skyrocketing to $73—because nothing screams 'financial stability' like a coin based on internet jokes—it nosedived to under $40 post-inauguration, but sure, have fun! Meanwhile, First Lady Melania Trump joined the grift parade with $MELANIA, proving that even the supporting cast gets a slice of the crypto pie. Trump, who once likened crypto to a 'scam,' now embraces it like a long-lost friend—because who wouldn't want to rely on the financial sector known for its volatility and history of fraud? The $TRUMP coin is emblazoned with his 'battle cry' of 'FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT,' which should also be the marketing slogan for anyone considering investing in this circus.

Donald Trump is doling out temporary security clearances to staffers who haven’t even been vetted yet. Forget background checks—apparently, loyalty to Trump is the only credential that matters. Critics warn this practice risks sensitive national security information falling into unqualified or even dangerous hands. But hey, when you’re running a government like a reality show, why let minor details like vetting get in the way of casting? For those who may not have been paying attention, the last time this happened they requested names of spies and then we started miraculously losing spies.

After spending the last few months supporting Germany's right right aff party, Elon Musk has finally decided to show his true colors. Twitter has been flooded with pro nazi content, and it's one of the reasons advertisers have fled his flailing platform. I fucking hate nazis.

President Donald Trump has issued sweeping pardons to over 1,500 individuals involved in the January 6 Capitol riot, including those convicted of seditious conspiracy and assaulting police officers with dangerous weapons. Because nothing says "support our police" like absolving those who attacked them with bats. Critics argue this sets a perilous precedent, effectively giving future insurrectionists a hall pass. This sets a scary precedent that says 'if you commit violence on my behalf, I'll bail you out

In a move that has left thousands of migrant families stranded and desperate, President Donald Trump has terminated the CBP One app, a critical tool that allowed asylum seekers to schedule legal entry into the United States. This abrupt decision, coinciding with his inauguration, has canceled appointments for migrants from countries including Venezuela, Cuba, Colombia, and Peru, who now face uncertainty and despair at the U.S.-Mexico border. The CBP One app, introduced in 2023 during the Biden administration, facilitated nearly 1 million legal entries by allowing migrants to schedule appointments at designated border crossings. Its sudden shutdown has not only invalidated existing appointments but also dismantled a system that provided a safer and more organized pathway for those fleeing violence and poverty. Migrants like Nidia Montenegro, who traveled from Venezuela to Tijuana with hopes of reuniting with family in the U.S., received notifications that their long-awaited appointments were canceled. This policy shift is part of a broader strategy by the Trump administration to tighten immigration controls, including declaring a national emergency at the southern border and reinstating the "Remain in Mexico" policy. Critics argue that these measures not only violate U.S. refugee laws but also exacerbate the humanitarian crisis at the border, leaving vulnerable families in perilous conditions without legal recourse.

In a move that screams "Who needs the 14th Amendment?", President-elect Donald Trump plans to sign an executive order ending birthright citizenship for children of illegal immigrants. Because, apparently, centuries-old constitutional provisions are just suggestions, right? Legal scholars are already warming up to remind him that such a change requires, you know, an actual constitutional amendment. But why bother with due process when you can just scribble your signature and call it a day? It's a bold strategy, Cotton; let's see if it pays off in court.

Right now, the average cost of a gallon of gas is 3.12, a dozen eggs is 3.31, and a gallon of cow titty goop is 4.10, here in Kentucky it was 4.99 and 5.99 for eggs and milk respectively

Not to be outdone, Melania Trump has entered the crypto game with her very own meme coin. Perfect for anyone who’s ever wanted to say, “I trust my financial future to the lady who auctioned off a hat.” It’s a natural fit—crypto is notoriously opaque, and Melania’s public persona is a masterclass in mystery. Is it a savvy business move or just another attempt to cash in on her last name? Either way, it seems the Trumps have figured out that if you can’t mine for votes, you can at least mine for coins.

In the greatest flip flop everyone saw coming, Trump first signed an executive order to ban TikTok, claiming it was a threat to national security. Now, he’s promising to swoop in during his next term to "save" it—because what’s a little whiplash between him and his favorite drama? Forget Congress and SCOTUS; who needs checks and balances when you can just rewrite the script on a whim? It’s the kind of bold, chaotic leadership that screams, "I’ll fix the mess I made, but only if you rehire me." Truly, this is the TikTok content we didn’t ask for.

In a stunningly predictable move, President-elect Trump has tapped Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as his Secretary of Health and Human Services, because who better to handle a potential bird flu pandemic than an anti-vaccine crusader? With bird flu spreading like wildfire among livestock, the administration’s silence is almost comforting, if only it weren't so terrifying. Kennedy, a lawyer by trade and misinformation by reputation, is now in charge of keeping America safe. And by safe, we mean questioning the efficacy of vaccines while suggesting shadowy figures are bioengineering viruses for profit—because nothing says 'preparedness' like conspiracy theories.

Congratulations, America! As Trump prepares for his second term, he's decided that the best way to secure our nation's future is by playing Monopoly with actual countries. Because nothing says 'diplomatic genius' quite like threatening military action to acquire Greenland and the Panama Canal. Trump, ever the subtle negotiator, hasn't ruled out using military force, because why not mix a little 19th-century Imperialism into our 21st-century politics?

In other words, Trump's version of 'foreign policy' is akin to a toddler demanding candy in the checkout aisle—'give it to me, or else!' But sure, let's entertain the idea of expanding the U.S. borders as if annexing Canada is a pie-in-the-sky dream instead of a logistical and legal nightmare. Meanwhile, Congress and foreign capitals are reacting with the appropriate levels of horror and disbelief, as they brace for the coming era of Trump's 'Make America Bigger' campaign.

Because nothing screams 21st-century diplomacy like a good old-fashioned land grab, President-elect Trump has decided that the U.S. simply must have Greenland, the Panama Canal, and yes, even Canada. Why stop at a mere wall when you can expand your empire instead? In other words, why not scare the pants off of everyone's favorite maple syrup suppliers and tropical canal owners just because you can? Trump's 'Madman Strategy' seems to be less about actual acquisition and more about unleashing chaos, reminiscent of the Monroe Doctrine—because who doesn't love a policy that's over 200 years old and dripping with imperial vibes? But sure, let's call it a negotiating tactic, Dan Hamilton. After all, nothing says 'let's make a deal' like threatening military force to protect us from the big bad Chinese and Russian ships. Welcome back to the 1800s, folks.

In a move that absolutely screams 'diplomatic genius,' Donald Trump has rekindled his burning desire to purchase Greenland, because apparently, nothing says 'national security' like acquiring an icy landmass with a population smaller than a mid-sized American town. This stunningly strategic vision was bolstered by his chip-off-the-old-block son, Donald Trump Jr., who made a totally coincidental tourist jaunt to the island—clearly just to enjoy the breathtaking views and not scout for future Trump Tower sites.

During a recent news conference, Trump left the door wide open for military or economic persuasion to make this dream come true. Because, naturally, when you can't buy your neighbor's backyard, just threaten to take it by force. Who knew imperialism could be so... modern?

In the latest episode of 'The Art of the Deal: World Domination Edition', President-elect Trump dreams big with a totally realistic strategy to annex Greenland and the Panama Canal. Why? Well, because nothing screams 'stable genius' like trying to purchase sovereign territories. According to Brown University's Amanda Lynch, climate change is opening up new trade routes in the Arctic, but sure, let's ignore the environmental devastation and focus on Trump's wet dream of toll-free shipping lanes. And while we're rewriting geography, we might as well make Canada the 51st state—because 'great ideas' are all the rage these days. Professor Lynch sagely points out that annexing these places isn't as simple as waving a magic wand or tweeting it into existence. Sovereign nations and Indigenous communities might have an opinion on their own status, but hey, why let that get in the way of a good fantasy? In other words, Trump might want to stick to building hotels and playing golf, and leave geopolitics to the grown-ups.

In a plotline ripped straight from a bad history textbook, Trump reportedly considered retaking the Panama Canal, because clearly, what’s more patriotic than reversing decades of international treaties? Panamanians, understandably, were not amused. Maybe he thought he could slap his name on it and call it “The Trump Canal,” but the world wasn’t buying that one either.

When real estate mogul meets geopolitics, you get Trump’s grand plan to buy Greenland. Yes, the icy, self-governing territory of Denmark. Because if you can build a gold-plated tower, why not try to acquire an entire country? Greenland politely declined the offer, but we can only wonder if Trump’s next pitch was going to be free Mar-a-Lago memberships for all Danes.

Kash Patel is a deeply concerning choice to lead the FBI due to his lack of law enforcement experience, history of political entanglements, and actions that undermine the rule of law. The FBI requires a leader with extensive investigative and operational expertise, but Patel’s background is rooted in partisan politics rather than law enforcement. His involvement in attempts to discredit the Russia investigation and his promotion of baseless election fraud claims raise serious questions about his ability to lead an impartial and independent agency. Patel’s loyalty to individuals over institutions further erodes trust in his capacity to prioritize the FBI’s mission of upholding justice and protecting national security. Appointing someone with such a polarizing and politically motivated track record threatens the integrity and public trust in the FBI at a time when these qualities are needed most.

Well, when one circus act closes, another opens. After the cringe-worthy nomination of Matt Gaetz—complete with his personal baggage of allegations so grim they’d make a lifetime movie producer blush—had to be shelved, the spotlight has now shifted to Pam Bondi, an election denier with her own trail of questionable antics. Bondi, whose resume includes cashing big donor checks while conveniently shelving fraud investigations, is now poised to bring that same “integrity” to the role of Attorney General. If you ever wanted your justice system run by someone who could sell sand in the Sahara while insisting the 2020 election was a fever dream, you’re in luck. This nomination feels less like a new chapter and more like swapping one bad sitcom for another, with a cast change that keeps the drama, the headlines, and the collective facepalms coming.

In what is essentially his second act as president-elect, former president trump attempts to nominate pedophile matt gaetz to the nations top law enforcement job. The house ethics committee released the Matt Gaetz report and my is it a doozy!