The Trump Presidency Timeline

Ah, the Caribbean—known for its pristine beaches, rum cocktails, and now, potential war crimes. The Trump administration, ever the fan of high-stakes drama, allegedly decided to play a twisted game of Battleship with a Venezuelan boat, resulting in the deaths of all 11 people on board. But don't worry, folks, the administration claims they were narcoterrorists—because when has the U.S. ever needed actual evidence before dropping bombs?

In a dazzling display of military precision, Admiral Frank Bradley, taking orders from the illustrious Secretary Pete Hegseth, ensured that the two survivors clinging to wreckage didn't make it out alive. After all, nothing says 'war on drugs' like 'blowing people up in international waters.'

As lawmakers scramble to figure out if this qualifies as a war crime or just a typical Tuesday in Trump's America, one can't help but marvel at the administration's commitment to keeping us on our toes. With 20 other vessels targeted in recent months, who knows what other diplomatic masterpieces we have to look forward to?

Ah, the golden anniversary of the Education for All Handicapped Children Act, where Trump decided to gift wrap a crisis instead of celebration. Fifty years later, we're at the brink of unraveling decades of progress because the administration apparently took the phrase 'back to basics' a bit too literally. Linda McMahon assures us it's not about cutting funding, just severing the 'centralized bureaucracy'—because nothing says progress like handing control back to states that once considered special needs kids as 'invisible.' Super reassuring, isn't it?

In a move that surely embodies the spirit of humanitarianism, the Trump administration proudly stands by its decision to target and eliminate the crews of small boats allegedly smuggling drugs—because nothing says 'War on Drugs' like unleashing the full force of the U.S. military on a dinghy. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, ever the model of accountability, claims he only ordered the initial strike and conveniently moved on to solving world peace before the survivors were subsequently obliterated. In other words, 'I only started the fire, I didn't fan the flames.' Meanwhile, the Justice Department's legal memo defends the strikes as part of a non-international armed conflict. It's a bold strategy—declaring war without calling it war—but sure, let's ignore that pesky thing called Congress. Rep. Adam Smith wasn't buying it, pointing out the hypocrisy of Hegseth's 'not-my-problem' press conference. Because when the best defense is passing the buck, who needs accountability?

Ah, nothing screams commitment to fighting narcotrafficking quite like pardoning Juan Orlando Hernández, the ex-Honduran president convicted for his role in a massive drug-trafficking conspiracy. In a move only a true stable genius would conjure, Trump has set free the man responsible for saturating the U.S. with cocaine—because what's a little narco-state when you've got a buddy who moved an embassy for you? Roger Stone lent his lobbying prowess to the mix, delivering a heartfelt letter claiming Hernández was simply the victim of 'lawfare by the Biden-Harris administration.' In other words, it's not drug trafficking if you can blame it on your political enemies. But sure, Trump loves law and order, just maybe not as much as he enjoys a good old-fashioned hypocrisy parade.

Trump has decided the best way to fight fentanyl overdoses in Ohio is to park the USS Gerald R. Ford off Venezuela and start playing oil-tanker battleship in the Caribbean. He’s ordered a naval blockade on all sanctioned tankers in and out of Venezuela, just days after U.S. forces seized one at sea—because nothing says measured foreign policy like reenacting the 1980s drug war with more hashtags and fewer laws.

On paper, this is about migrants and narcotics. Trump is blaming Nicolás Maduro for Venezuelans fleeing a collapsed economy and for supposedly “emptying his prisons and insane asylums” into the U.S.—with, of course, zero evidence. He’s also designated two Venezuelan criminal networks as Foreign Terrorist Organizations and then helpfully decided that Maduro himself, his government, and basically anyone near an oil well are now “Drug Terrorists.” In other words: if it moves and exports crude, it’s Al-Qaeda now.

Analysts note that “Cartel de los Soles” isn’t even a single cartel but a catch-all term for corrupt officials involved in trafficking, but the Trump administration simply slapped on the terrorist label, doubled the bounty on Maduro, and called it a day. Meanwhile Trump is on Truth Social accusing Caracas of using “stolen oil” to fund “Drug Terrorism, Human Trafficking, Murder, and Kidnapping,” while deploying 15,000 troops and the world’s largest aircraft carrier to stop cocaine—because nothing screams serious anti-drug strategy like risking a shooting war in the Caribbean to juice your tough-guy polling numbers.

Maduro, a corrupt authoritarian presiding over a rigged 2024 election and mass repression, is calling it “international piracy” and accusing the U.S. of trying to steal Venezuela’s oil. When the guy waving Simón Bolívar’s sword while jailing opponents is accusing you of imperialism and somehow has a point, you’ve really nailed the “rules-based international order” branding exercise. But sure, this is about fentanyl, not regime change plus offshore drilling rights.

In the latest episode of 'Why on Earth is This Happening?' Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has managed to enrage both book publishers and people with functioning morals by sharing a meme of Franklin the Turtle waging war on drug boats. Because nothing says serious military strategy like turning a children's book character into a drug war hero. In the spirit of the holidays, Hegseth accompanied the post with a festive suggestion for your Christmas wish list. Nothing screams peace on earth quite like Franklin wielding a rocket-propelled grenade. Kids Can Press strongly condemned this 'sick parody', defending Franklin as a beacon of 'kindness, empathy, and inclusivity'—qualities not exactly synonymous with blowing up boats. Senator Mark Kelly and Senate Democratic Leader Chuck Schumer joined the chorus of voices labeling Hegseth a 'national embarrassment', questioning the sanity of a defense secretary who tweets about turtles with RPGs while overseeing nuclear weapons. But sure, let's keep pretending tweets like this are normal.

In the latest twist of the Trump saga, it seems that Operation Hypocrisy is going full steam ahead. President Trump, that bastion of law and order, is busy pardoning former Honduran president and convicted drug trafficker Juan Orlando Hernandez. Meanwhile, his administration is having a field day blowing up alleged 'drug boats' in the Caribbean and Pacific. Because nothing screams irony like pardoning a drug kingpin while declaring war on their supply chain. But wait, there's more! Bipartisan support is somehow simmering for a congressional review of these explosions, especially after reports suggest at least one strike might be a war crime. War crimes: the newest accessory for any fashionable authoritarian regime. And as if the Trump administration wasn't doing enough to undermine public health, they've decided to skip commemorating World AIDS Day for the first time since 1988. Because when it comes to fighting HIV and AIDS, who needs awareness campaigns when you can have radio silence?

In a stunning move that must have anti-vaxxers popping champagne, the FDA is raising the bar for vaccine approvals because ten kids allegedly died from COVID shots. Never mind the millions of children vaccinated without issue—let's slow down the process of saving lives. FDA Commissioner Marty Makary, aiming for a gold medal in science skepticism, announced this on Fox News, because if it's not on Fox, did it even happen? Meanwhile, Dr. Vinay Prasad is rewriting the vaccine approval handbook, possibly inspired by a dart board and blindfold approach to risk assessment. But sure, let's make it harder and more costly for vaccines to hit the market during a pandemic. Safety over science, right?

In yet another bold move to redefine justice, President Donald Trump has announced a mind-blowing pardon for former Honduran President Juan Orlando Hernandez, convicted of drug trafficking and weapons charges. Because nothing says 'upholding the law' like letting a convicted drug lord off the hook. According to Trump's logic, Hernandez was 'treated very harshly and unfairly,' which must mean those 45 years in prison were just a misunderstanding of his misunderstood passion for importing cocaine.

Trump's social media rant also came with a side of election meddling, as he threw his support behind Nasry 'Tito' Asfura for Honduras' presidency. Apparently, Trump's idea of democracy is telling another country who should win their election—because that's definitely how it works. Meanwhile, Asfura, who has his own history of alleged embezzlement, is promising to fix infrastructure while possibly lining his pockets. But sure, let's keep pretending this isn't a comedy of errors on the international stage.

In a move that surprises absolutely no one, the Trump administration has decided to hit pause on all asylum decisions following a tragic shooting involving an Afghan national. Because nothing says 'let's solve gun violence' like punishing vulnerable individuals fleeing persecution. USCIS director Joseph Edlow announced the pause, pledging that 'every alien' will now face maximum vetting. In other words, the Trump administration is doubling down on its favorite pastime: scapegoating migrants. Meanwhile, Trump himself, in his usual calm and rational manner, took to Truth Social to declare a desire for 'REVERSE MIGRATION'—because who needs nuance when you can have sweeping generalizations about 'Third World Countries?' The administration's deportation hobby continues unabated, shipping asylum seekers off to countries like Eswatini and South Sudan. But sure, let's keep pretending this is about national security and not just good old-fashioned xenophobia.

Ah, the Trump administration—truly a beacon of justice and not at all a personal vendetta machine. The latest episode in this reality show involves attempting to prosecute critics like former FBI director James Comey and New York Attorney General Letitia James. Because nothing says 'democracy' like using the judicial system to target those pesky dissenters who dared to question the grand supreme leader.

Sure, a judge tossed those indictments due to the small issue of illegal appointments, but that won't stop the administration's juggernaut of retribution. Seriously, when even the Pentagon gets in on the action, launching investigations like it's the latest TikTok trend, you have to admire the commitment to pettiness. But, hey, when the 'rule of law' turns into 'rules are for losers,' the script practically writes itself.

In a stunning development for those who still believe in the tooth fairy, the Georgia election interference case against Trump and his merry band of democracy-underminers has been dismissed. Judge Scott McAfee, perhaps inspired by the total lack of impropriety, decided that the attempted coup was really just too cosmopolitan for Georgia—how very unfair to the Peach State. The prosecution? Handed off like a hot potato by Pete Skandalakis after the original DA, Fani Willis, was ousted for having the audacity of a personal life. In other words, a classic case of 'nothing to see here, folks, move along.' As for Trump, he’s overjoyed, proclaiming the dismissal as a victory for 'LAW and JUSTICE,' which is totally what we’re all thinking.

Ah, the Trump administration, redefining 'progress' by deftly shifting deadlines as if diplomacy were a game of pin the tail on the donkey. Apparently, offering Ukraine a 'deal' to give up territory they haven't even lost is just the kind of bold, innovative strategy we've come to expect from the art of the dealmaker himself. Because nothing says victory like ceding more ground to Putin. In other words, the U.S. is now sending Steve Witkoff and Dan Driscoll to play diplomats in the world's most confusing chess match. And while Secretary Marco Rubio flies off to Geneva to smooth over controversial points, the real question remains: who's playing who in this geopolitical circus? With Russia continuing to launch attacks on Ukraine, it's unclear if Trump's 'fine-tuned' plan will actually fine-tune anything other than his own public relations narrative.

Ah, the classic Trump-Xi phone call—a diplomatic love story for the ages. Because nothing says 'strong relationship' like a trade war with tariffs still hovering around 50%. In a stunning display of diplomatic finesse, Trump took to Truth Social to announce a 'good, and very important, deal' with China. Meanwhile, China urged everybody to 'keep moving forward'—which in diplomatic terms translates to 'we're not buying it, but let's see where this goes.'

They touched on all the usual suspects: Ukraine, Taiwan, and of course, the ever-romantic topic of soybeans. Trump even managed to snag an invite to Beijing, proving once again that when it comes to truly baffling foreign policy, nobody does it better than America's former celebrity president. But sure, let's keep pretending this is going great.

In a bold move that would make even Neville Chamberlain blush, President Trump unveiled his 'peace plan' for Ukraine—a masterpiece of diplomatic genius that pretty much hands over everything Russia ever wanted and then some. Because nothing says 'peace' like telling Ukraine to give up territory to Russia, cap its military, and renounce NATO ambitions. Oh, but Ukraine gets to try to join the EU, something they should've been able to do regardless, and a sort-of-kind-of NATO protection for 10 years. In other words, a 'temporary' security promise that's as reliable as a cheap umbrella in a hurricane.

Meanwhile, back in Moscow, Putin is playing it cool, surely thrilled that the plan caters to Russian demands while warning that Moscow will achieve its goals one way or another—because why not dangle the threat of war over an already fraught situation? But sure, let's call this a 'peace deal.' Zelenskyy, caught between a rock and an orange place, is now considering counterproposals, because who wouldn't want to negotiate with a gun to their head?

In a bold move, President Trump has decided that the best way to address Minnesota's imaginary money-laundering problem is to terminate legal protections for Somali migrants, because nothing fixes economic fraud like deporting the most vulnerable. America’s Somali community, particularly the 705 individuals under Temporary Protected Status, are now the latest targets in Trump's ongoing campaign to roll back any semblance of empathy in U.S. immigration policy. In other words, when you can't find real fraudsters, deport people fleeing civil strife instead. The Minnesota branch of the Council on American-Islamic Relations rightly pointed out that this decision is not just bureaucracy at work; it's a political stunt driven by Islamophobic rhetoric—but sure, let's pretend this is about 'law and order.'

In yet another masterclass of governance by chaos, the Trump administration has revealed its latest magic trick: making the Education Department disappear without bothering Congress. Because who needs legislative approval when you can just outsource education like it's a laundry service? The plan is to shuffle essential responsibilities like Title I funds for low-income students to the Labor Department and hand over Indian Education to the Department of the Interior—because nothing screams 'focus on education' like pairing it with workplace safety and national parks. Education Secretary Linda McMahon assures us this is about 'peeling back the layers of federal bureaucracy,' a euphemism for 'we didn't feel like dealing with it.' You know, because nothing says efficiency quite like handing education over to departments that have nothing to do with, well, education.

In an inspiring move to support those pushing the boundaries of the law in his name, Donald Trump has pardoned two more individuals tied to the Jan. 6 riot. One, Suzanne Ellen Kaye, who showcased her love for the Second Amendment by threatening to shoot FBI agents, is now free to practice her 'disfavored First Amendment political speech' without pesky repercussions.

The second pardon went to Daniel Edwin Wilson, a man with a legally prohibited firearms collection worthy of a small militia. Because, apparently, if the search starts with Jan. 6, why should it matter what they find? In other words, the justice system should just look the other way.

Clearly, nothing screams 'law and order' like pardoning those with a penchant for threatening agents and stockpiling arsenals.

Ah, the land of the free and the home of the brave, where immigrants now ponder modern self-deportation or strategic relocation as Trump’s immigration juggernaut rolls over any pretense of humanity. In other words, just another day in Trump's America, where polite society's 'real ugly looks' at a clothing store can make an American citizen feel like a fugitive. In a stroke of sheer genius, the administration has managed to transform several states into hotbeds of fear and paranoia, all while reshaping the demographic landscape without a single new wall. Because nothing says 'land of opportunity' like packing your bags to dodge a raid.

Ah, the smell of burning vessels in the open seas—President Trump's latest strategy to rid the world of 'narco-terrorists', one alleged drug vessel at a time. Because nothing says 'justice' like obliterating boats with scant evidence that they're actually trafficking drugs. Grainy video footage of these high-seas heroics, courtesy of Trump's and Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth's social media feeds, is the only proof we have that these were indeed drug boats. The administration hasn't bothered with any pesky 'further evidence'.

Meanwhile, the definition of 'unilateral' is getting a real workout here. Legal scholars question the executive branch's authority to conduct these strikes without Congress's go-ahead, but Trump insists he's got it covered. Why bother with a declaration of war when you can just play Battleship in real life? Imperialism is clearly in vogue this season.