The Trump Presidency Timeline

Rohit Chopra, the head of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, has been fired—because why have a watchdog protecting consumers when you can let banks run wild instead? Chopra, who made a career out of holding Wall Street accountable for fraud and junk fees, had the nerve to take on big banks and shady lenders, so naturally, Donnie Tic Tac showed him the door. The CFPB, which was literally created to prevent another 2008-style financial meltdown, has been a thorn in the side of predatory financial institutions—something Republicans and their donors have been desperate to change. Now, with Chopra out, the industry is licking its chops, hoping Donnie Tic Tac's pick will gut consumer protections and roll back those pesky rules on overdraft fees and credit card penalties. But don’t worry, they assure us it’s all in the name of “reform.” This agency came after a for-profit school that was issuing predatory loans and saved me, its too bad its gone cuz this shit was awesome

Trump has decided to slap massive tariffs on Mexico, Canada, and China, claiming it will stop drugs and illegal immigration—because, as we all know, raising the price of avocados will definitely outsmart the cartels. In reality, this move is like setting your house on fire to keep the burglars out: American consumers are about to get torched with higher prices on everything from cars to sneakers to groceries. Mexico and Canada wasted no time hitting back with their own tariffs, and China is taking it to the WTO, so congratulations, we’re now in a full-blown trade war. But don’t worry, Trump assures us that tariffs will make America “very rich and very strong”—just ignore the fact that businesses, economists, and, well, anyone who understands supply chains are collectively screaming into the void. And to really twist the knife, he’s closing the de minimis loophole, meaning even small businesses and bargain hunters using Shein and Temu are out of luck. But hey, if you love paying more for food, gas, and literally everything else while pretending it’s “winning,” this one’s for you.

president 'grab em by the p*ssy' return to the White House has turned into a full-blown purge, leaving federal workers shell-shocked as he makes good on his campaign promise of “retribution.” Sure, his high-profile enemies expected some payback—but it turns out the real bloodbath is happening behind the scenes, with career officials, watchdogs, and justice department lawyers getting axed, reassigned, or strong-armed into submission. From canceling Secret Service protection for officials on actual Iranian hit lists to gutting agencies investigating him, Trump’s administration is making one thing clear: loyalty isn’t just expected—it’s required. The latest executive order, laughably titled Ending the Weaponization of the Federal Government, is basically a hit list for his perceived enemies, all wrapped up in legalese. Federal employees are now being warned of “adverse consequences” if they don’t snitch on colleagues who resist his DEI purge. Meanwhile, those unwilling to play along with his immigration crackdowns or selective law enforcement agenda are being shuffled into irrelevant roles—or just fired outright. It’s a purge so blatant that even Nixon’s enemies list is starting to look subtle. But hey, at least one Trump critic put it best: trying to punish special prosecutor Jack Smith is like a fart in a hurricane—loud, ridiculous, and ultimately pointless.

After cheering cheeto kings return like frat bros at a kegger, hedge funds are now placing multi-billion-dollar bets against the U.S. economy, because nothing says "confidence" like expecting a financial meltdown. Goldman Sachs data shows a tsunami of short positions, signaling that Wall Street’s elite believe a Trump-led market wipeout is imminent. This reversal is as subtle as a brick to the face: Just months ago, these same fund managers were all-in on "Trump trades," drooling over tax cuts and deregulation. Now? They’re bracing for impact, hoping to cash in while 401(k)s and pensions get steamrolled. And let’s not forget the elephant—or rather, the dragon—in the room: China’s AI powerhouse DeepSeek just sent U.S. tech stocks into a $600 billion freefall, exposing America’s not-so-invincible grip on the industry. Even Trump's most loyal Wall Street backers are sounding the alarm, warning that his policies could detonate a speculative bubble. So, as everyday investors anxiously refresh their portfolios, billionaire hedge fund managers are playing both sides—because whether the economy soars or burns, they always find a way to profit. And if Trump ever realizes his biggest financial supporters are now betting on his failure? Well, expect some all-caps rage tweets and a fresh round of finger-pointing.

Elon Musk’s fan club has infiltrated the General Services Administration, because apparently, running Twitter into the ground wasn’t enough. Armed with White House security credentials, these ex-interns and loyal Musk minions are now tinkering with federal infrastructure—because who wouldn’t trust them with government operations? Their grand plan? Slashing budgets, shrinking real estate, and sprinkling in some AI, because nothing says "efficient governance" like trusting the guy who broke Twitter to streamline the feds. Meanwhile, actual GSA employees are left wondering if they now work for the U.S. government or just another Musk side project.

In yet another brilliant strategic maneuver, President Trump has embarked on a new phase of his trade war—because nothing says 'economic genius' like imposing 25% tariffs on goods from Mexico and Canada, and a mere 10% on China. This, of course, is meant to address the illegal flow of drugs and immigrants, which clearly have everything to do with your Super Bowl guacamole budget. Forget about affordable avocados; Trump's America is all about paying the 'price that must be paid' for a supposedly 'great' future. The world can hardly wait! Business groups are, predictably, thrilled. The liquor industry is particularly ecstatic about the potential job losses that come with disrupting a once-thriving trade. Meanwhile, the American Fuel & Petrochemical Manufacturers are 'hopeful'—because when you're potentially facing higher energy prices, hope is all you really need, right? In other words, prepare for some seriously 'golden' times ahead, America.

Ed Martin, the administration’s handpicked D.C. U.S. Attorney, just axed 30 prosecutors who worked on Jan. 6 cases, calling their hiring a “subversive” act. His next move? Investigating the investigators and making sure the DOJ bends to the whims of President Ferrethead. Martin, a “Stop the Steal” organizer and MAGA firebrand, has wasted no time gutting the Capitol riot prosecution team, replacing leadership, and demanding loyalty from subordinates—or else. His office is also probing Chuck Schumer for a years-old speech the big guy didn’t like, because apparently, that’s the real threat to democracy. Veteran prosecutors warn this is a full-scale politicization of justice, but the regime’s loyalists are celebrating. One of their legal enforcers, Mike Davis, gleefully declared Jan. 6 prosecutors should “live in fear.” Mission accomplished. Martin’s history? Fired for scandal in Missouri, embraced by the MAGA machine, and now in charge of 360 prosecutors with a mandate to punish the enemies of the regime. D.C.’s top law enforcement office isn’t about law anymore—it’s about obedience.

In a totally normal and not at all suspicious move, federal prosecutors in Nashville have been pulled from the criminal case against Tennessee Rep. Andy Ogles, a MAGA loyalist under FBI investigation for allegedly faking a $320,000 personal loan to his 2022 campaign. The case is now being fully handled by the DOJ in D.C., a convenient shift right after the administration forced out the longtime head of the DOJ’s public corruption unit. Meanwhile, Ogles has been busy trying to ingratiate himself with the regime, introducing nonsense resolutions to let the big guy run for a third term and even pushing for a U.S. takeover of Greenland. For context, New York’s George Santos got indicted for basically the same thing and ended up resigning in disgrace. But Ogles? He might be off the hook—especially since the administration just dropped another GOP fraud case in Nebraska and is busy purging anyone who prosecuted the wrong people. At this rate, expect a new wave of pardons, dropped cases, and reassignments—because justice is for enemies, not allies.

Less than 24 hours after a deadly plane crash in D.C., the administration decided it was the perfect time to email air traffic controllers—not to offer support, but to encourage them to quit their jobs en masse. The email, sent late Thursday night, urged controllers to take a government buyout, find a job in the private sector, or go on vacation “while still on the government payroll”—which, hilariously, violates federal rules against second incomes. This push for mass resignations comes in the middle of a nationwide air traffic controller shortage—a crisis that likely played a role in the Army helicopter collision that killed 67 people. When questioned, the administration blamed Obama, Biden, and, presumably, the deep state, while also falsely claiming the FAA was prioritizing “woke hiring” over safety. Meanwhile, actual aviation experts and union leaders are warning that gutting the agency even further could lead to more disasters in the skies. But hey, at least those former air traffic controllers can use their buyout money to take a long vacation… assuming their flights don’t get canceled due to, you know, no air traffic controllers.

the worlds only part orange orangutan human's revenge tour is in full swing, and the FBI is next on the chopping block. Dozens of career agents, prosecutors, and senior officials who worked on frumpys-related cases—including the Capitol riot investigations and his classified documents scandal—are reportedly being targeted for forced resignations or terminations as soon as this week. the interim Justice Department leadership is wasting no time purging the ranks of anyone deemed “untrustworthy”—i.e., anyone who actually followed the law when investigating him. Even prosecutors working Jan. 6 cases who were set to become permanent hires under the Biden administration were suddenly fired en masse because their existence “hindered” the administrations agenda. Meanwhile, Kash Patel, the controversial FBI director nominee, is playing dumb in the Senate, claiming he knows nothing about any mass firings—while his boss actively guts the agency. The FBI Agents Association is already warning that the move will cripple national security, but dumbshit and his loyalists are more focused on settling scores than fighting crime. With the DOJ already under siege, cheeto jesus is making it clear: law enforcement exists to serve him, or it doesn’t exist at all”

In the twilight zones latest "America First" stunt, U.S.-funded medical facilities in Sudan faced a horrific choice: obey bronzin' betty' stop-work order or let up to 100 malnourished babies and toddlers die. They chose to keep working—until they run out of supplies. Despite announcing waivers for “lifesaving” aid, the administration hasn’t actually lifted the stop-work orders. Aid groups are now trapped in a bureaucratic nightmare, unable to access funds for IV bags, HIV medications, warzone evacuations, and even electricity for hospitals. Meanwhile, the administrations State Department is too busy making up nonsense about condoms funding terrorism. The fallout? HIV treatment halted for 20 million people, medical teams abandoning refugee camps, Ebola outbreaks left unchecked, and Ukraine’s civilian aid cut off—all while humanitarian officials are fired for simply trying to help. As one USAID veteran put it: “Like a Russian nesting doll of f*ck-ups. It’s just astonishing.”

David A. Lebryk, the highest-ranking career official at the U.S. Treasury Department, just retired abruptly after a reported clash with elmos “Department of Government Efficiency” (DOGE) - stupid fucking name by the way - over access to the federal payment system—aka the infrastructure that handles $6 trillion in transactions for Social Security, Medicare, tax refunds, and government contracts. elmo surrogates have apparently been pushing for direct access to the system since the election, and with fascist freddy's executive order mandating “full access” for DOGE, that push just got a lot more aggressive. Why exactly they want their hands on the nation’s financial arteries? Unclear. But given elmos history of playing fast and loose with power, legal experts are sounding the alarm. As one former Treasury official put it: “This is a mechanical job… it’s never been used to execute a partisan agenda.” Until now. With Musk’s growing influence over the administration—and his newfound obsession with slashing government spending—this fight over who controls America’s money is just getting started. We are so cooked

"America First"—except when it comes to our own citizens— cheeto facepaint has proposed shipping repeat offenders to foreign prisons. Because nothing says justice like outsourcing, right? This idea raises a host of questions, like which countries are lining up to become America's penal colonies, and how this aligns with international law. Critics argue it's a blatant attempt to sidestep domestic prison reform, while supporters hail it as a bold strategy to reduce crime. The only repeat offender that needs to get locked up somewhere far away from here is the jeffrey epsteins best friend, in the white house.

I just sent this email to all 13,000 federal employees of the NOAA lol. The Trump administration's changes to their communications system made it so literally anyone can blast messages out to the entire agency - Ken Klippenstein

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one could have predicted, President Trump is already enacting policies from the conservative Project 2025 just two weeks into his second term. You know, the same policies he distanced himself from on the campaign trail, calling them 'absolutely ridiculous.' Because nothing says political integrity like denouncing a plan and then implementing it once in office. With Russ Vought, the former architect of this playbook, back at the helm of the Office of Management and Budget, Trump's administration is diving right into proposals like ending birthright citizenship and freezing federal hiring. In other words, they're taking a page—or 900—to reshape the federal government just like they swore they wouldn't. Meanwhile, Democrats, led by Chuck Schumer, are engaging in the time-honored tradition of outrage, though whether that outrage will translate into action is, as always, questionable at best. The White House, naturally, claims any overlap between Trump’s ‘promises’ and Project 2025 is purely coincidental. Because why bother with consistency when you can just gaslight an entire nation instead? In the grand tradition of ‘do as I say, not as I do,’ Trump’s early days in office are shaping up to be a veritable buffet of fascinating contradictions.

From storming the Capitol to a deadly DUI, Emily Hernandez’s fall from MAGA martyr to convicted felon is complete. Pardoned just last week by president mob boss for her role in the Jan. 6 insurrection, Hernandez won’t be celebrating her newfound freedom—because she was just sentenced to 17 years in prison for killing a woman in a drunken wrong-way crash. Hernandez, famous for parading around with a stolen Nancy Pelosi sign, was already set to plead guilty to her Jan. 6 charges when she drove headfirst into oncoming traffic, killing 32-year-old Victoria Wilson and severely injuring her husband. Her blood-alcohol content was a staggering .20%, more than double the legal limit. ONLY THE BEST PEOPLE Despite the president being pro violence and giving her mercy for her role in attacking the seat of democracy, the justice system wasn’t as forgiving for taking a life. A judge sentenced her to 10 years for the fatal crash and seven more for the injuries she caused—proving that, in at least one courtroom, accountability still exists for people that aren't rich white assholes.

see title

the sultan of soiled shorts latest executive order turns student protests into deportation-worthy offenses. In his crackdown on pro-Palestinian demonstrations, Trump is targeting non-citizen students and residents, revoking visas and threatening deportation for those he deems “Hamas sympathizers.” I understand that hamas is a terrorist organization and they can get fucked but what about the first amendment???? Under the new order, federal agencies are tasked with investigating civil rights violations linked to campus protests and taking legal action against anyone accused of antisemitic activity. But the vagueness of the policy raises immediate concerns—who decides what counts as “sympathizing” with Hamas? Does chanting “Free Palestine” get you kicked out of the country? In this assholes version of America it does. Civil rights groups are already calling this an unconstitutional attack on free speech, likening it to the crackdowns on Vietnam War protesters. Legal experts warn that punishing students based on political speech violates the First Amendment—but Trump and his supporters claim it’s necessary to curb extremism on college campuses. With lawsuits looming and universities now under pressure to track student activism, this order could reshape protest culture in America—not just for pro-Palestinian demonstrators, but for anyone who dares to oppose government policy.

cheeto kings war on “indoctrination” is off to a blazing start—by forcing schools to teach only what he approves. In a trio of executive orders, Trump is demanding schools drop lessons on systemic racism and gender identity, funneling public money into private schools, and cracking down on pro-Palestinian protesters by threatening deportation. In a move that would make Big Brother proud, federal funding will now hinge on whether schools toe the MAGA line. Teach “gender ideology” or “discriminatory equity ideology” (translation: acknowledge LGBTQ+ rights or systemic racism)? Kiss that funding goodbye. Meanwhile, Trump’s education secretary now has 90 days to come up with a national censorship blueprint disguised as an “anti-indoctrination” plan. But that’s not all—Trump’s school choice order pushes even more taxpayer dollars toward private and religious schools, draining funding from public education. And for the grand finale, student protesters who oppose Israel’s actions in Gaza could have their visas revoked under the pretense of fighting antisemitism, a move that legal experts are already calling blatantly unconstitutional. If you thought the last few years were a battleground for education, buckle up—Trump’s second term is turning the classroom into a full-fledged ideological purge. He wants to make all the kids stupid, after all he loves the poorly educated and learning things turns people into independents or democrats.

A toddler, his mother, and his grandmother—all American citizens—were detained and taken to an immigration detention center by U.S. officials in Milwaukee after they were overheard speaking Spanish, according to a Monday report by Telemundo Puerto Rico. My wife suggested I start carrying my passport with me, as I'm of puerto rican descent. holy fuck its going to be a long 4 years.