The Trump Presidency Timeline

A daring, movie-style heist in Pennsylvania saw 100,000 organic eggs stolen, because apparently, even criminals can’t afford breakfast anymore. With wholesale egg prices skyrocketing to nearly $8 a dozen—a 400% increase since early 2022—desperation has officially hit the black market. Meanwhile, remember those big promises about lowering grocery prices? Yeah, those are rotting faster than a broken fridge at Whole Foods. Egg prices alone have jumped another 37% in the last year, while chains like Waffle House are literally charging a surcharge just to put eggs on your plate. Why? Because corporate price gouging and a botched response to the avian flu outbreak mean that basic staples are now a luxury item. And before you think the Pennsylvania Egg Bandits were just pulling off some harmless Robin Hood act—good luck fencing 100,000 eggs without getting caught. Authorities are on the case, and while they haven’t cracked it yet, one thing’s for sure: when food heists start looking like economic survival, the system is beyond broken.

Ah, the corporate oligarchy speedrun continues. Amazon-owned Whole Foods just pulled off a galaxy-brain move, arguing that because Trump gutted the National Labor Relations Board (NLRB), their recent union election victory should just… not count. That’s right—Whole Foods is weaponizing Trump’s chaos to try and erase a legally conducted union vote that they lost fair and square. Here’s the play: Trump fired two key NLRB officials, effectively crippling the board’s ability to enforce labor laws. Whole Foods—disappointed that their workers had the audacity to demand rights—immediately jumped on the opportunity, filing a claim that the NLRB doesn’t have the authority to certify the union election. Because if there’s no functioning labor board, then there’s no one to force them to respect the vote. Genius! Evil, but genius. And just to keep up appearances, Whole Foods is also crying about union “intimidation”, because apparently, workers daring to stand up for themselves is the real threat here. Meanwhile, they’ve got an entire corporate anti-union machine working overtime to stall, delay, and crush any attempts at bargaining. Let’s be real—this isn’t about the legality of the NLRB’s authority. It’s about Amazon and Whole Foods refusing to accept that their workers are sick of being exploited. And thanks to Trump’s scorched-earth labor policy, they’ve got a golden opportunity to make sure those workers never get a seat at the table.

trying some shit that would make even the most brazen autocrat blush, the White House communications team is now proclaiming that President Trump can "sign executive orders into law" without any pesky interference from Congress. Because who needs a legislative branch when you can just decree your whims into existence? This unprecedented language signals a disturbing shift towards executive overreach, undermining the very checks and balances that are supposed to prevent such authoritarian power grabs. It's as if the administration has forgotten—or more likely, is willfully ignoring—that in a functioning democracy, laws are made by Congress, not unilaterally dictated by the president.

In a move that defies any semblance of intelligence, the CIA—yes, the Central Intelligence Agency—decided to comply with President Trump's executive order to downsize the federal workforce by emailing the White House an unclassified list of all employees hired in the last two years. Because nothing says "national security" like handing over sensitive personnel information through unsecured channels. This list, mind you, includes new analysts and trainees preparing for undercover operations. But hey, who cares about protecting the identities of those who risk their lives for national security? Let's just toss their names into an unclassified email and hope for the best. Former CIA officials are rightly calling this a "counterintelligence disaster." But in the current administration, where reckless incompetence is the order of the day, should we really be surprised? Remember when these hypocritical bitches castigated hillary for her use of unsecured email? RULES FOR THEE BUT NOT FOR ME, NATIONAL SECURITY CAN GET FUCKED

Trump’s brand-new U.S. Attorney for D.C., Edward Martin, wasted zero time getting to work—not on prosecuting crime, but on wiping the slate clean for his old clients. In a totally normal, not-at-all corrupt move, Martin immediately dropped charges against Joseph Padilla, a January 6 rioter—you know, the guy he personally defended before landing this cushy new job. Nothing screams banana republic like appointing your own lawyer as a prosecutor, then having him magically make all your legal problems disappear. And Padilla isn’t the only lucky winner here. Martin is also making life easier for other insurrectionists, like Timothy Hale-Cusanelli (that skinny bitch with a HITLER STACHE), because apparently, the "law and order" party only believes in locking up poor people and political opponents. Legal experts are shocked (lol, why?) at this cartoonishly blatant conflict of interest, but let’s be real—this is the point. Trump and his goons aren’t even pretending anymore. They’re actively hollowing out the justice system, replacing it with a glorified Mafia operation where who you know matters more than what laws you break. And if you're still expecting accountability? Buddy, the criminals are running the courtroom now.

Elon Musk's aggressive takeover of federal agencies through the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) is causing significant tension within President Donald Trump's inner circle. While Trump and Musk maintain a publicly amicable relationship, staffers and aides are increasingly concerned about Musk's rapid consolidation of power. A Republican aide familiar with the situation noted, "I think it's more the staff who have an issue with Elon than President Trump." The unease stems from the appointment of young, inexperienced engineers with ties to Musk, who now have access to highly sensitive federal systems. This swift upheaval has left many within the administration uncertain about communication channels and the proper chain of command between agencies and the White House. Some Trump loyalists fear that Musk's expanding influence could soon clash with the administration's objectives, leading one operative to comment, "There could be a collision course coming here at some point. He's getting too big for his breeches."

Ah yes, the GOP—staunch defenders of law and order (unless it involves their billionaire buddies). The moment Democrats tried to subpoena Elon Musk to testify about how he’s dismantling federal agencies like a toddler with a sledgehammer, Republicans lost their collective minds like a bunch of whiny, overcaffeinated fanboys. Suddenly, the party that demanded endless hearings on Benghazi, Hunter Biden’s laptop, and whatever else Fox News told them was important decided that accountability was deep-state overreach. Instead of asking why an unelected tech bro is seizing control of federal payment systems, delaying critical funds, and handing out government access to his inner circle, the GOP rushed to shield their Space Karen overlord from scrutiny. Because why investigate corruption when you can just let Musk run the government like his own personal plaything? The tantrum was as predictable as it was pathetic—a party that once screamed about corporate elites now bending over backwards to protect the richest man on Earth from answering a few basic questions about why he’s holding the government hostage. But hey, it’s not about democracy or oversight—it’s about keeping the billionaire class happy while the rest of us watch our institutions get looted in broad daylight.

Republicans are back at it again with their favorite trick: cut taxes for the rich, make the poor pay for it. Their latest scheme? A shopping list of tax cuts that would funnel billions into the pockets of the ultrawealthy and corporations while gutting benefits for single parents, low-income families, and anyone who relies on Medicaid. Because nothing screams populism like yanking healthcare from poor people to finance another billionaire tax break. At the top of their wishlist: eliminating the estate tax, which only affects fortunes over $14 million (because heaven forbid the top 0.1% chip in after death). Then there's a corporate tax cut from 21% to 15%, which would make the U.S. one of the lowest-taxed rich nations—a nice little giveaway for executives already drowning in stock options. So how do they plan to pay for this loot drop for the elite? Oh, just by slashing Medicaid, eliminating childcare tax credits, and gutting tax breaks for single parents—because if there’s one thing the GOP hates more than the IRS, it’s helping struggling families survive. The biggest slap in the face? Killing the “head of household” filing status, which would jack up taxes on single parents—mostly moms—by nearly $200 billion over a decade. Meanwhile, they’re tossing a shiny distraction to service workers by eliminating taxes on tips, a policy Trump pushed in Vegas to win over hospitality workers. Never mind that the bulk of the tax plan screws over low- and middle-income earners—as long as they get one good headline, right? The whole plan is an obscene redistribution of wealth—just upward instead of downward. And if you’re not a billionaire, a corporate executive, or a GOP donor, you’re probably the one footing the bill.

Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE)—which, let’s be honest, is just Silicon Valley kleptocracy with a meme face—has now seized control of the HHS Payment Management System, the financial backbone that distributes nearly $1 trillion a year in federal grants. That money funds the NIH, CDC, and countless public health initiatives, but now? It’s in the hands of Luke Farritor, a Musk crony who’s already delaying payments like he’s some dystopian overlord deciding who deserves healthcare today. And this isn’t some isolated oopsie. DOGE has already wormed its way into Treasury’s payment systems, which handle Social Security and Medicare disbursements—because apparently, we’re all cool with an unelected tech bro having a “read-only” peek at grandma’s Social Security check. Treasury claims DOGE can’t mess with payments (yet), but funny how that’s exactly what they said about HHS right before payments started mysteriously “delaying.” This is Musk's empire-building by force, dressed up as “efficiency.” They aren’t streamlining government; they’re looting it. And like any good heist crew, they’re banking on nobody stopping them until it’s too late.

In a move that would make Nixon blush, Elon Musk is reportedly attempting to dismantle the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID) just as it begins scrutinizing his company's Starlink equipment. According to The Lever, USAID had previously partnered with SpaceX to deliver 5,000 Starlink terminals to Ukraine. Now, as USAID probes into this deal, Musk's push to shut down the agency seems more than coincidental. Workers are fighting back, invoking longstanding privacy laws to counter this brazen power play.

Ah yes, the ol’ “just walk in and take control” method of governance. Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency (Doge)—because nothing says efficiency like storming federal agencies unannounced—reportedly waltzed into NOAA headquarters demanding access to IT systems. This tracks, considering Project 2025 already has NOAA on its hit list for daring to provide public climate data instead of funneling it to private corporations. Because who needs life-saving weather forecasts when we could be paying a premium for hurricane alerts? Former NOAA official Andrew Rosenberg summed it up best: they have no authority, no transparency, and no plan—except to bulldoze, dare anyone to stop them, and hope the damage is irreversible. Classic smash-and-grab governance. Meanwhile, NOAA staff, marine conservationists, and anyone with a functioning brain are pointing out that gutting the agency will lead to overfishing, increased seafood fraud, and, oh yeah, fewer storm warnings—so good luck with that next tornado outbreak. As for NOAA? They’re deferring questions to the Department of Commerce, which, in true government efficiency fashion, is responding with the digital equivalent of a blank stare.

The Trump administration’s demolition of the federal government continues, and now it’s the CIA’s turn to get the axe. In the latest round of ideological purging disguised as “efficiency,” the entire CIA workforce has been offered buyouts, because nothing says national security like gutting the country’s intelligence apparatus and replacing career professionals with Trump loyalists. According to reports, Trump’s handpicked CIA director John Ratcliffe—fresh off his stint as director of national intelligence during Trump’s first term—has put the agency on a hiring freeze and is rescinding offers for anyone who doesn’t align with the administration’s new priorities. And what are those priorities? Not traditional intelligence work, of course. Instead, Trump’s CIA will be laser-focused on “targeting drug cartels,” fueling the trade war, and “undermining China.” So, basically, intelligence operations are now just an extension of Trump’s personal vendettas. The buyout scheme is part of Trump’s broader effort to slash the size of government while installing as many loyalists as possible. This week, millions of federal workers were offered a golden parachute to quit and keep their pay until September, all while Trump’s conservative manifesto Project 2025 outlines mass firings and replacing career professionals with political hacks. The CIA’s inclusion in this program appears to have been a last-minute decision—because who needs experienced intelligence officers when you can just wing it? At this point, the administration isn’t even pretending this isn’t a power grab. They’re gutting the very agencies responsible for keeping the country safe, and if a few classified operations get derailed in the process? Oh well. Nothing matters but loyalty.

ICE, bravely defending America from the pressing threat of non-criminals, has been busy arresting scores of migrants with spotless records. That's right, in Trump's America, you don't need a criminal record to be considered a threat—just a dream and a penchant for doing wheelies on your thrift store bicycle. Because nothing says 'land of the free' like snatching young Carlos from his early-morning ride, all while ignoring actual criminal justice reforms. Priorities, am I right? Meanwhile, the administration's commitment to keeping families separated and dreams crushed marches on with ruthless efficiency.

Trump, ever the real estate mogul, has a bold new pitch: the U.S. should own Gaza. Not help rebuild it, not assist in humanitarian aid—just straight-up take it over and ship the people elsewhere to some vague, “fresh, beautiful piece of land.” You know, because nothing screams peace and stability like forced displacement and a colonial land grab. Sitting next to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, Trump floated his plan to transform Gaza into a luxury development project, casually dismissing the Palestinians' desire to stay in their homeland. “I do see a long-term ownership position,” Trump declared, as if he were discussing a prime beachfront property instead of a war-torn region home to 2.2 million people. And naturally, Netanyahu—always up for a little annexation talk—was open to the idea, calling it a potential “change in history.” That’s one way to describe it. Trump, who once called Gaza a “phenomenal location” with “the best weather,” has essentially proposed turning it into a high-end international community (Palestinians optional), all while ignoring the reality that Gaza belongs to the Palestinians. But hey, when you think the world is just a Monopoly board, why let international law or basic human rights get in the way? He's been trying to turn gaza into a resort since his last administration, hows that genocide joe protest vote working out for you now?

Elon Musk’s “government efficiency” project has apparently entered its full-blown dystopian surveillance state phase, with his band of barely-legal tech bros illegally installing a commercial server at the Office of Personnel Management (OPM) to scoop up sensitive personal data from every single federal employee—and even job applicants. That’s right, under Musk’s direction, a bunch of 19-to-24-year-old amateurs now have access to Social Security numbers, home addresses, medical records, salaries, and disciplinary records of millions of government workers. What could possibly go wrong? Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE)—which, let’s be real, is basically a Silicon Valley frat party with security clearance—has seized control of USAJOBS, the federal hiring database, and Enterprise Human Resources Integration (EHRI), which holds everything from performance reviews to employee health records. And what are they doing with all this access? Oh, just hunting down diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) offices for elimination, as confirmed by OPM employees. Because in Musk’s twisted worldview, government waste isn’t contractors overcharging for military jets—it’s diversity hiring. And just to really sweeten the deal, the whole system is comically insecure. Government cybersecurity experts are freaking out because China and Russia are literally trying to hack these databases every single day, and Musk’s unvetted team just plopped a commercial server into the mix like it’s their personal Discord bot. The incompetence is already showing: a new email list Musk’s team set up last week was immediately flooded with spam. But hey, what’s a little massive data breach potential when you’re busy purging career civil servants who don’t meet Musk’s ideological purity test? Meanwhile, actual government officials have been locked out of their own systems, leaving Musk’s crew free to make undetectable, irreversible changes to federal records. You know, just casually rewriting the U.S. civil service in real-time. But don’t worry—if you ever expressed mild concern about email security in 2016, this is definitely the moment to panic.

Elon Musk, fresh off his latest round of government looting, has a bold new plan: scrap every federal regulation and see what happens. In a midnight X call that sounded like a libertarian fever dream mixed with a Wall Street grift seminar, Musk declared that regulations should be “default gone” and, if necessary, added back later—because nothing screams responsible governance like treating public safety, environmental protections, and financial oversight like a software update. Flanked by Trump cheerleaders like Vivek Ramaswamy and GOP senators Joni Ernst and Mike Lee, Musk hyped this as a “now or never” moment to gut the government while the Supreme Court is stacked in their favor. And just in case anyone missed the point, he patted himself on the back for gutting USAID, bragging on X that he had “fed it into the wood chipper.” That’s right—U.S. humanitarian aid is now a casualty of Musk’s personal war on bureaucracy, with career staff locked out of their systems, classified info handed over to Musk’s band of Silicon Valley toddlers, and Secretary of State Marco Rubio casually declaring himself its new boss. Meanwhile, Musk’s hand-picked tech bros have been busy seizing control of critical government systems. His “Department of Government Efficiency” (DOGE) operatives have locked officials out of personnel databases, installed their own shady commercial server inside the Office of Personnel Management, and—most alarmingly—gained admin access to the Treasury’s federal payment system. The career civil servant who dared push back was promptly put on leave, then retired (probably not voluntarily). Musk even bragged about canceling $1 billion in federal contracts, gleefully trampling over the Impoundment Control Act, because why not? This isn’t just regulatory rollback—it’s a hostile takeover of the federal government by a tech billionaire and his handpicked disruptors, with zero oversight and a clear contempt for the rule of law. But hey, in Musk’s brave new world, it’s not about whether something is legal—it’s just about whether you can get away with it. Who's gonna arrest him when he's the de facto president?

Turns out the “Proud Boys” aren’t so proud anymore—at least not legally. A Washington judge just stripped the far-right group of its own name, handing over control of their brand, symbols, and merchandise sales to none other than the Black church they attacked in 2020. That’s right: if they want to keep slapping their name on tacky t-shirts, they’ll need permission from the very people they terrorized. This poetic justice stems from a $2.8 million judgment against the group after its former leader, Enrique Tarrio, and his goons decided to torch a Black Lives Matter banner at the Metropolitan African Methodist Episcopal Church. When the Proud Boys didn’t cough up the cash, the church went for their most valuable asset—their name—and won. Tarrio, freshly pardoned by Trump in his mass January 6 clemency spree, is predictably throwing a tantrum, ranting about the church losing its nonprofit status and demanding the judge be impeached. (Because nothing says “rule of law” like pardoning domestic terrorists while calling for judges to be removed when they rule against you.) Meanwhile, the ruling means that any Proud Boys chapter hoping to keep their brand alive now has to get a nod from the church they tried to intimidate. A more humiliating corporate takeover has never been seen. From street brawlers to intellectual property casualties—this is what happens when a gang of wannabe fascists meets actual consequences.

truly embodying the “America First” approach—by way of Moscow—Tulsi Gabbard is one step closer to becoming the Director of National Intelligence after the Senate Intelligence Committee advanced her nomination with a razor-thin 9-8 vote along party lines. Because, naturally, when picking the person responsible for overseeing America’s most sensitive intelligence operations, why not go with someone widely suspected of being a Russian asset and who once went on a lovely meet-and-greet with Syria’s Bashar al-Assad, a dictator known for gassing his own people? Truly an inspired choice. Gabbard, a former Democratic congresswoman and military veteran, has spent years positioning herself as the GOP’s favorite ex-Democrat, cozying up to right-wing media circles and parlaying her isolationist rhetoric into a Trump-world job offer. During her confirmation hearing, she refused to call NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden a traitor—because apparently, compromising national security isn’t that big of a deal when you also happen to be a Kremlin favorite. Meanwhile, concerns over her past meetings with Assad—whom she once seemed disturbingly sympathetic toward—were conveniently brushed aside in favor of her latest rebrand as a MAGA-friendly “straight shooter.” Naturally, Senate Republicans, eager to prove that their national security credentials are now entirely theoretical, rallied behind her. Even GOP senators who might have raised an eyebrow at a nominee with this many foreign entanglements chose to look the other way. Because, really, what’s a little Russian intrigue and dictator diplomacy among friends? Now, Gabbard heads to a full Senate vote, where she'll need a simple majority to take the reins of America’s intelligence community. If confirmed, expect U.S. intelligence assessments to start including a lot more “both sides” arguments when discussing adversarial regimes and maybe a few flattering op-eds about Putin slipped into the daily briefing. But hey, at least she'll finally have an official title to go with her unofficial one as Russia’s favorite useful idiot.

Ah, the NFL—always at the cutting edge of corporate backpedaling. Commissioner Roger Goodell spent his annual press conference reassuring everyone that the league is deeply committed to diversity efforts—so much so that they’re quietly phasing them out. This year’s Super Bowl will mark the first time since 2021 that “End Racism” won’t appear in the end zones, because apparently, the league feels that actually ending racism is a little too controversial these days. Instead, we’ll get the much softer, completely apolitical messages of “Choose Love” and “It Takes All of Us”—because if there’s one thing racism responds well to, it’s a gentle pep talk. Officially, the NFL insists that this decision has nothing to do with the country’s political climate and everything to do with recent tragedies, like wildfires and a plane crash—because, as we all know, systemic racism and natural disasters are basically the same thing. Unofficially, at least one high-ranking league official has expressed concern that this just so happens to align perfectly with Trump’s push to erase DEI initiatives across corporate America. Just a coincidence, surely. Speaking of Trump, he’ll be in attendance at the game as a guest of Saints owner Gayle Benson, which means we’re in for a night of awkward crowd shots and at least one painfully forced handshake. Meanwhile, Goodell also addressed the Rooney Rule, which continues to function as the NFL’s favorite performative gesture. Despite its existence, the current hiring cycle will likely result in just one minority head coach hire out of seven openings, because, as always, the rule is more about optics than actual progress. So, in summary: The NFL definitely still cares about diversity, as long as it doesn’t make anyone too uncomfortable. End racism? Too bold. Vague, feel-good slogans? Perfect. And if Trump’s presence at the game makes certain fans nostalgic for the days when players kneeling during the anthem was the league’s biggest controversy, well—Goodell is more than happy to pretend none of that ever happened.

Ah yes, the latest episode of YamTit's Revenge Tour: FBI Edition. In a move that absolutely doesn’t scream authoritarian purge, the Justice Department is compiling a handy little list of every FBI agent who dared investigate Trump or his beloved January 6 foot soldiers. Because nothing says “law and order” like making sure law enforcement officers are punished for doing their jobs. Now, some pesky FBI agents—who apparently don’t appreciate being turned into targets for right-wing vigilantes—have filed lawsuits to block this blatant political hit list. They’re arguing that being named on this list could lead to unlawful firings. To make things even more hilarious, Trump’s DOJ swears that this is all totally normal, just a routine little personnel review—never mind the part where the acting deputy attorney general, a former personal Trump lawyer, is overseeing the whole thing. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that this comes right after Trump promised his base a good old-fashioned reckoning for anyone who held his insurrectionists accountable. Of course, the FBI tried to play it safe by only handing over employee numbers instead of actual names, but let’s be real—does anyone believe for a second that the goons running the DOJ won’t connect the dots? These agents are up against an administration that has already fired senior FBI officials, purged January 6 prosecutors, and handed out pardons like candy to Trump’s favorite insurrectionists. So now we wait to see if the courts step in to stop this dystopian nonsense, or if we’ll just move straight to the part where Trump loyalists start knocking on doors with pink slips and a copy of The Art of the Deal. Either way, the message is loud and clear: the white house is a criminal enterprise