The Trump Presidency Timeline

In the latest episode of "Let's Hand Over the Keys to the Kingdom," Elon Musk's Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has welcomed 19-year-old Edward Coristine—a tech prodigy who goes by the oh-so-professional moniker "Big Balls" online. This teenage dynamo, fresh out of high school, has been granted access to sensitive U.S. government systems. Because who better to handle national security than someone whose claim to fame includes founding "Tesla.Sexy LLC" and working at a startup known for hiring convicted hackers? Coristine's illustrious career includes a stint at Path Network, a company that thought reformed black-hat hackers would make stellar employees. But wait, there's more! In 2022, someone using a Telegram handle linked to Coristine allegedly sought out cyberattack-for-hire services. Just the kind of experience we need in government, right? Security experts are scratching their heads, wondering how "Big Balls" managed to bypass the rigorous background checks that are supposed to prevent, well, exactly this sort of thing. But in the current administration's quest for "efficiency," it seems due diligence is just another casualty. So, let's all give a warm welcome to our new teenage overlord. With his impressive résumé and colorful online persona, what could possibly go wrong?

A daring, movie-style heist in Pennsylvania saw 100,000 organic eggs stolen, because apparently, even criminals can’t afford breakfast anymore. With wholesale egg prices skyrocketing to nearly $8 a dozen—a 400% increase since early 2022—desperation has officially hit the black market. Meanwhile, remember those big promises about lowering grocery prices? Yeah, those are rotting faster than a broken fridge at Whole Foods. Egg prices alone have jumped another 37% in the last year, while chains like Waffle House are literally charging a surcharge just to put eggs on your plate. Why? Because corporate price gouging and a botched response to the avian flu outbreak mean that basic staples are now a luxury item. And before you think the Pennsylvania Egg Bandits were just pulling off some harmless Robin Hood act—good luck fencing 100,000 eggs without getting caught. Authorities are on the case, and while they haven’t cracked it yet, one thing’s for sure: when food heists start looking like economic survival, the system is beyond broken.

Ah, the corporate oligarchy speedrun continues. Amazon-owned Whole Foods just pulled off a galaxy-brain move, arguing that because Trump gutted the National Labor Relations Board (NLRB), their recent union election victory should just… not count. That’s right—Whole Foods is weaponizing Trump’s chaos to try and erase a legally conducted union vote that they lost fair and square. Here’s the play: Trump fired two key NLRB officials, effectively crippling the board’s ability to enforce labor laws. Whole Foods—disappointed that their workers had the audacity to demand rights—immediately jumped on the opportunity, filing a claim that the NLRB doesn’t have the authority to certify the union election. Because if there’s no functioning labor board, then there’s no one to force them to respect the vote. Genius! Evil, but genius. And just to keep up appearances, Whole Foods is also crying about union “intimidation”, because apparently, workers daring to stand up for themselves is the real threat here. Meanwhile, they’ve got an entire corporate anti-union machine working overtime to stall, delay, and crush any attempts at bargaining. Let’s be real—this isn’t about the legality of the NLRB’s authority. It’s about Amazon and Whole Foods refusing to accept that their workers are sick of being exploited. And thanks to Trump’s scorched-earth labor policy, they’ve got a golden opportunity to make sure those workers never get a seat at the table.

Ah, the NFL—always at the cutting edge of corporate backpedaling. Commissioner Roger Goodell spent his annual press conference reassuring everyone that the league is deeply committed to diversity efforts—so much so that they’re quietly phasing them out. This year’s Super Bowl will mark the first time since 2021 that “End Racism” won’t appear in the end zones, because apparently, the league feels that actually ending racism is a little too controversial these days. Instead, we’ll get the much softer, completely apolitical messages of “Choose Love” and “It Takes All of Us”—because if there’s one thing racism responds well to, it’s a gentle pep talk. Officially, the NFL insists that this decision has nothing to do with the country’s political climate and everything to do with recent tragedies, like wildfires and a plane crash—because, as we all know, systemic racism and natural disasters are basically the same thing. Unofficially, at least one high-ranking league official has expressed concern that this just so happens to align perfectly with Trump’s push to erase DEI initiatives across corporate America. Just a coincidence, surely. Speaking of Trump, he’ll be in attendance at the game as a guest of Saints owner Gayle Benson, which means we’re in for a night of awkward crowd shots and at least one painfully forced handshake. Meanwhile, Goodell also addressed the Rooney Rule, which continues to function as the NFL’s favorite performative gesture. Despite its existence, the current hiring cycle will likely result in just one minority head coach hire out of seven openings, because, as always, the rule is more about optics than actual progress. So, in summary: The NFL definitely still cares about diversity, as long as it doesn’t make anyone too uncomfortable. End racism? Too bold. Vague, feel-good slogans? Perfect. And if Trump’s presence at the game makes certain fans nostalgic for the days when players kneeling during the anthem was the league’s biggest controversy, well—Goodell is more than happy to pretend none of that ever happened.

Edward Kelley, a 35-year-old from Maryville, Tennessee, was convicted in November 2024 of plotting to murder FBI agents who were investigating his involvement in the January 6, 2021, U.S. Capitol riot. While awaiting trial for his actions during the Capitol breach, Kelley developed a "kill list" targeting FBI personnel and conspired to attack the FBI's Knoxville office using car bombs and drones equipped with incendiary devices. He was found guilty of conspiracy to murder federal employees, solicitation to commit a crime of violence, and influencing a federal official by threat, facing a potential life sentence at his scheduled sentencing in May 2025. In January 2025, President Donald Trump issued a blanket pardon for individuals involved in the January 6 events. Kelley's attorney has filed a motion to dismiss the charges related to the FBI murder plot, arguing that these charges are connected to the Capitol insurrection and thus covered by the presidential pardon. The motion contends that without the initial indictment for the Capitol riot, the subsequent case concerning the alleged plot against FBI agents would not have been pursued, asserting that the cases are "clearly related to one another." As of now, federal prosecutors have not publicly responded to the motion to dismiss. Kelley remains in custody at the Blount County Jail, awaiting his sentencing in May.

stable genius's war on education continues, with a new executive order aimed at gutting the Department of Education because, apparently, an informed public is just too dangerous. The plan? Strip away anything not explicitly mandated by law—because who needs pesky things like civil rights enforcement, student loan oversight, or, you know, actual education policy? After all, if kids stop learning history, they might not notice when it's repeating itself.

In the land of the free market, 22-year-old Cole Schmidtknecht faced a choice: pay $539 for his asthma inhaler or cover his rent. After his insurance provider, OptumRx, reclassified his medication without notice, the inhaler's price skyrocketed from $66 to over $500, leaving Cole unable to afford it. Days later, he suffered a fatal asthma attack. Now, his family is suing OptumRx and Walgreens for failing to inform him of the change, denying him the chance to seek alternatives. Because in America, life-saving medication is a luxury item.

Welcome to America, where school shootings are so routine that cops now have a zero-tolerance policy for bad jokes, but not for the guns that make the threats real. In Florida, kids as young as 11 are getting perp-walked, shackled, and smeared online for posting dumb, edgy comments, while law enforcement pats itself on the back for ‘deterrence.’ (no, I do not condone threats of violence!) Never mind that experts say this public humiliation doesn’t actually stop threats—it just turns dumb kids into criminals. But hey, why bother fixing the root causes of school violence when you can just arrest children and call it a win? hint: ITS THE GUNS DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE GUNS

As Trump’s administration removes protections barring ICE from sensitive locations, public schools across the U.S. are fighting back to shield undocumented students. Districts in cities like Chicago, Denver, and New York are introducing policies to limit ICE’s access to school grounds, refusing to cooperate without judicial warrants, and ensuring schools remain sanctuaries. While Trump claims raids on schools will be “extremely rare,” educators are preparing for the worst, with some districts even instituting lockdown procedures for uninvited government officials. It’s a bold stand for vulnerable students in an era where compassion and safety seem harder to come by.

A teacher at Central Dauphin Middle School in Pennsylvania has resigned following backlash for allegedly calling a Muslim student a "terrorist." The incident has sparked discussions about Islamophobia and the importance of cultural sensitivity in educational settings. What the fuck is wrong with people? that's a child