The Trump Presidency Is Going Great

The White House staged a Rose Garden ceremony so Donald Trump could heroically discover women’s health for the first time in U.S. history and sign an executive order creating a women’s health division at NIH plus a shiny new White House Women’s Health Task Force. Melania Trump, apparently now both first lady and honorary co-signer-in-chief, announced five sweeping goals: more research funding, AI-driven discovery, faster therapeutics, affordable breakthroughs, and making women’s health less "taboo"—all of which sound great, and none of which came with any dollar amounts, timelines, or mechanisms beyond "trust us, incredible things are coming."

Trump credited Melania with the big idea, marveling, "Who the hell wouldn't have a women's health division?" like a man who just realized half the population has organs that aren’t golf-related. The whole thing doubled as a feel-good testimonial to chief of staff Susie Wiles’ breast cancer recovery, with Trump narrating how "we got her through it"—because of course even someone else’s cancer story has to be partially about him. Meanwhile, the NIH gets another politically branded subdivision and a White House task force press release, while the actual details—funding levels, specific research priorities, how this interacts with the administration’s broader hostility to reproductive autonomy—are filed under "to be hand-waved later."

On his last night hosting The Late Show, Stephen Colbert had the band play the Peanuts classic Linus and Lucy while mock-worrying it might cost CBS some money — a line that aged about five minutes before becoming documentary evidence. The network has now quietly cut a check to Lee Mendelson Film Productions for using the song without a license, because even in the late stages of American democracy, copyright law still shows up on time.

The Peanuts rights-holders, who have been busily suing everyone from apparel companies to the actual US Department of the Interior for unlicensed use, say they’ll donate the undisclosed payout to World Central Kitchen, the disaster-relief nonprofit that’s somehow become a catch‑all response team for everything from hurricanes to presidents. Colbert himself already dropped $2.5m on WCK during his penultimate episode, meaning the comic who spent years shredding Trump and his enablers is now literally funding disaster relief while the corporate suits and government agencies get lectured on basic IP law by the people who own Snoopy.

The company’s chairman helpfully explained that their crusade is meant to “educate individuals, businesses, and government entities” about getting written licenses — a polite way of saying that in an era of authoritarian vibes, climate collapse, and democratic backsliding, at least one institution is still absolutely ruthless about enforcing rules: the people who control a cartoon jazz soundtrack from the 1960s.

In a stunning exhibition of public disdain, New Orleans has turned the *Mardi Gras* into a parade of protest, pelting Cybertrucks with everything short of actual pitchforks, leaving their owners aghast and utterly clueless about why their *Pontificating Petulant Prince* wasn't exactly the belle of the ball. It’s almost charming to see them flounder in disbelief, like surprised goldfish in a sea of vitriol, blind to the fact that owning a car from *Dumb and Dumber’s* tech version of a dictator comes with consequences – namely, a barrage of beer cans and a collective *Fuck You* from the masses. Congrats, Cybertruck owners! You immortalized your vehicular blunders not just in misery, but in pure *comedic gold* for all the world to enjoy.