The Trump Presidency Timeline

The Trump Department of Justice has bravely managed to release less than 1% of the Epstein files it was legally required to disclose by December 19, because nothing says "rule of law" like openly blowing past a federal statute and then sending Pam Bondi to write a five-page "oops, we’re trying" note to the judge. Out of more than two million potentially responsive documents, the DOJ has coughed up 12,285 – heavily redacted, missing "all the key documents," and offering exactly zero new information on the 10 alleged Epstein co-conspirators. But don’t worry, Bondi, Todd Blanche, and Jay Clayton swear this is all about "protecting victims," which is a fascinating way to spell "protecting politically exposed creeps and government officials."

Chuck Schumer is on X yelling "What are they trying to hide?" while the department quietly ignores a legal requirement to give Congress an unredacted list of every "government official and politically exposed person" named in the files. It’s been 17 days since Trump’s DOJ first broke the law by missing the deadline, and 14 days since they bothered to release anything at all – but sure, it’s just that redactions are hard and they need "a few more weeks." Meanwhile, Reps. Ro Khanna and Thomas Massie are floating an inherent contempt lawsuit against Bondi, because when a bipartisan pair is talking about dusting off Congress’s most nuclear accountability tool, things are definitely going "all-hands-on-deck" in the best possible way.

The first trickle of documents confirms Epstein’s industrial-scale child abuse operation with Ghislaine Maxwell and features more allegations about Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor (formerly known as Prince Andrew) shopping for "friendly and discreet and fun" girls – but still no major new revelations about who in U.S. power circles knew what and when. In other words, the only people being aggressively protected by Trump’s DOJ are the exact people federal law was designed to expose. But sure, this is all about victim privacy, and not at all about keeping the names of powerful friends, donors, and officials buried under a mountain of redactions and missed deadlines.

More bureaucratic absurdity, the CIA has axed a horde of its newest, brightest so-called ‘intelligence officers’—right as the nation’s security teeters on the edge of chaos! This mass firing, sanctioned by the ever-bold leadership of Trump’s latest stooge, John Ratcliffe, is a spectacle of incompetence that even the best spy thrillers couldn’t dream up. Apparently, firing underperforming rookies was deemed vital while **silencing** intelligence committees about these purges was just ketchup on the fries! As national security faces an irreparable threat, thanks to a slipshod approach and a total disregard for the consequences, one can only dream of a day when our government can manage its own house without dragging us down the drain. Cheers to the *so-called* efficiency of a billionaire's wet dream while the real risks loom in the shadows!

In a jaw-dropping circus of incompetence and hypocrisy, President Trump holds a Cabinet meeting to remind his own appointees they're actually in charge, not the billionaire who's been whimsically firing federal workers like they're emojis. While he trumpets the need for a ‘scalpel’ approach, thousands of government employees have already felt the hack of the ‘hatchet’ in a flurry of arbitrary layoffs, sending shockwaves throughout Washington. As courts shake their heads at this chaotic calamity, we wonder if we're living in a dark comedy—because having Musk with free reign in a critical government position is anything but funny. Welcome to the clown show!

In a dazzling display of incompetence and privilege, Mike Johnson's chief of staff, Hayden Haynes, managed to wrap up a night of political theater with a DUI arrest — just the kind of lowbrow escapade you'd expect from the unqualified sycophants littering Capitol Hill. Not to mention, the irony of a prominent aide to a House Speaker crashing into a Capitol vehicle right after an event with Trump is just deliciously absurd. Trust, it seems, is better served with a side of booze and a complete disregard for consequence. Truly, this is the *establishment* at its finest: drunk, disorderly, and utterly shameless.

In an utterly preposterous display of bureaucratic incompetence, the NOAA has decided that actual storm expertise is expendable, tossing aside Andrew Hazelton—a hurricane modeler with nearly a decade of experience—like yesterday’s trash. Apparently, hiring highly skilled professionals to predict hurricanes is just too dang sensible for a government agency hell-bent on ensuring that no one in charge has any idea what they're doing. Because, of course, the best way to handle climate crises is to keep the folks who know what they're talking about out of the room. Bravo, NOAA! Truly, your commitment to mediocrity is inspiring!

Trump slashes USAID, putting 1,600 workers out of a job while sidelining nearly everyone else. The administration's latest move to gut the federal workforce places almost all remaining USAID employees on indefinite leave, effectively shutting down global aid programs overnight. The few exempt workers were blindsided, with one official managing food programs in three countries learning he was axed despite overseeing ‘mission-critical’ work. The cuts come as Elon Musk—Trump’s budget-slashing enforcer—brags about feeding the agency ‘into the wood chipper.’ Critics call it an unconstitutional attempt to dismantle USAID without congressional approval. Global aid isn’t just being cut—it’s being erased.

Trump’s Social Security pick was under investigation—so he got promoted instead. Leland Dudek, a low-level data analyst suspected of improperly sharing sensitive Social Security info with Musk’s budget-cutting hit squad, was being investigated for possible privacy and tax law violations. Then, in a move straight out of a dystopian satire, Trump elevated him to acting commissioner, forcing out senior officials in the process. Now, Dudek is slashing research, fast-tracking DOGE operatives, and even floating the idea of outsourcing Social Security operations—because nothing says 'protecting American seniors' like handing their personal data to private companies. The grift isn’t even subtle anymore.

Fresh off his Trump pardon, Enrique Tarrio wasted no time getting arrested again. The former Proud Boys leader was taken into custody for assault after smacking a counter-protester’s phone and arm—because nothing says “peaceful political activism” like immediately resorting to violence. Tarrio and fellow insurrectionists had just finished a press conference where they announced a $150 million lawsuit against the DOJ for daring to prosecute them for their failed coup attempt. Meanwhile, Trump’s Justice Department is purging prosecutors and FBI agents who worked on Jan. 6 cases, ensuring that the next batch of ‘foot soldiers’ faces even less resistance. It’s not a justice system—it’s a loyalty test.