The Trump Presidency Timeline

Congratulations, America! As Trump prepares for his second term, he's decided that the best way to secure our nation's future is by playing Monopoly with actual countries. Because nothing says 'diplomatic genius' quite like threatening military action to acquire Greenland and the Panama Canal. Trump, ever the subtle negotiator, hasn't ruled out using military force, because why not mix a little 19th-century Imperialism into our 21st-century politics?

In other words, Trump's version of 'foreign policy' is akin to a toddler demanding candy in the checkout aisle—'give it to me, or else!' But sure, let's entertain the idea of expanding the U.S. borders as if annexing Canada is a pie-in-the-sky dream instead of a logistical and legal nightmare. Meanwhile, Congress and foreign capitals are reacting with the appropriate levels of horror and disbelief, as they brace for the coming era of Trump's 'Make America Bigger' campaign.

Because nothing screams 21st-century diplomacy like a good old-fashioned land grab, President-elect Trump has decided that the U.S. simply must have Greenland, the Panama Canal, and yes, even Canada. Why stop at a mere wall when you can expand your empire instead? In other words, why not scare the pants off of everyone's favorite maple syrup suppliers and tropical canal owners just because you can? Trump's 'Madman Strategy' seems to be less about actual acquisition and more about unleashing chaos, reminiscent of the Monroe Doctrine—because who doesn't love a policy that's over 200 years old and dripping with imperial vibes? But sure, let's call it a negotiating tactic, Dan Hamilton. After all, nothing says 'let's make a deal' like threatening military force to protect us from the big bad Chinese and Russian ships. Welcome back to the 1800s, folks.

In a move that absolutely screams 'diplomatic genius,' Donald Trump has rekindled his burning desire to purchase Greenland, because apparently, nothing says 'national security' like acquiring an icy landmass with a population smaller than a mid-sized American town. This stunningly strategic vision was bolstered by his chip-off-the-old-block son, Donald Trump Jr., who made a totally coincidental tourist jaunt to the island—clearly just to enjoy the breathtaking views and not scout for future Trump Tower sites.

During a recent news conference, Trump left the door wide open for military or economic persuasion to make this dream come true. Because, naturally, when you can't buy your neighbor's backyard, just threaten to take it by force. Who knew imperialism could be so... modern?

In the latest episode of 'The Art of the Deal: World Domination Edition', President-elect Trump dreams big with a totally realistic strategy to annex Greenland and the Panama Canal. Why? Well, because nothing screams 'stable genius' like trying to purchase sovereign territories. According to Brown University's Amanda Lynch, climate change is opening up new trade routes in the Arctic, but sure, let's ignore the environmental devastation and focus on Trump's wet dream of toll-free shipping lanes. And while we're rewriting geography, we might as well make Canada the 51st state—because 'great ideas' are all the rage these days. Professor Lynch sagely points out that annexing these places isn't as simple as waving a magic wand or tweeting it into existence. Sovereign nations and Indigenous communities might have an opinion on their own status, but hey, why let that get in the way of a good fantasy? In other words, Trump might want to stick to building hotels and playing golf, and leave geopolitics to the grown-ups.

In a plotline ripped straight from a bad history textbook, Trump reportedly considered retaking the Panama Canal, because clearly, what’s more patriotic than reversing decades of international treaties? Panamanians, understandably, were not amused. Maybe he thought he could slap his name on it and call it “The Trump Canal,” but the world wasn’t buying that one either.

When real estate mogul meets geopolitics, you get Trump’s grand plan to buy Greenland. Yes, the icy, self-governing territory of Denmark. Because if you can build a gold-plated tower, why not try to acquire an entire country? Greenland politely declined the offer, but we can only wonder if Trump’s next pitch was going to be free Mar-a-Lago memberships for all Danes.