The Trump Presidency Is Going Great

Donald Trump helped light the match on a US-Israel war with Iran, watched a fifth of the world's oil and gas get choked off at the Strait of Hormuz, and has now generously offered the US Navy as an armed DoorDash escort service for tankers "if necessary." Iran is threatening to literally "set fire" to ships, several vessels have already been fired on, and roughly 200 tankers are stranded in the Gulf. So naturally, Trump’s solution is to turn the US government into a cut‑rate insurance broker for maritime roulette.

He’s ordered the US International Development Finance Corporation to sell "political risk insurance and guarantees" for all maritime trade through the Gulf at a "very reasonable price"—which sounds a lot like: private profits, public underwriting, and taxpayers holding the bag for a crisis his own war helped trigger. Naval escorts are promised "as soon as possible," as if putting US warships between Iranian missiles and global oil flows has ever gone sideways before.

Experts, ever the buzzkills, point out that this won’t actually fix the tiny problem where ships don’t want to get shot, and that even US military intervention in the Red Sea didn’t convince shippers to sail into a missile testing range. But Trump is already brushing off the prospect of $100+ oil and spiking gas prices as just "for a little while," assuring everyone that once his war is done, prices will magically fall "lower than even before." Bold strategy: blow up regional stability, then promise the market will thank you later. What could possibly go wrong?

The Trump administration has finally perfected the art of foreign aid: offer more than $1bn in health financing to Zambia, then quietly staple on a wish list for mining concessions and a 10–25 year data-harvesting bonanza. The leaked draft MOU gives Washington long-term access to Zambians’ health and pathogen data and bakes in monthly briefings on expanding US commercial investment, because nothing says “global health partnership” like turning an HIV program into a term sheet for copper and cobalt.

Advocates like Asia Russell call it what it is: “shameless exploitation” – conditioning antiretrovirals and basic care on opening up the country’s mineral wealth to a “rapacious administration.” Civil society leaders warn that if Zambia can’t keep up with the Trump team’s performance targets and co-financing demands, the US can just yank the money and let the health system crater. Think of it as structural adjustment, but with more spreadsheets and fewer morals.

While Zambian activists scramble to strip out the surveillance provisions and consider court challenges, the US embassy has already admitted the deal is tied to “collaboration in the mining sector and clear business-sector reforms.” Zambia’s health minister went on TV to deny that health funding was linked to mining, and the president helpfully fired him three days later, which is a subtle way of saying: actually, yes, it is. The State Department insists this is just about advancing “American national interests” and using taxpayer dollars efficiently. Efficient here meaning: extract data, extract minerals, and if hundreds of thousands of people living with HIV get caught in the crossfire, well, that’s just an externality on the balance sheet.

The US ambassador to Israel, Mike Huckabee, went on Tucker Carlson’s podcast and casually suggested it would be “fine if they took it all” — "it" being land stretching from Egypt to the Euphrates, i.e. most of the modern Middle East. Not content with normal diplomacy, Huckabee has upgraded US foreign policy to Old Testament cosplay, declaring Israel a land that God personally deeded over, with the ambassador apparently serving as the world's least subtle real estate agent for Yahweh.

Tucker, who now brands himself as a persecuted victim of routine airport security, helpfully clarified that this biblical promise covers Israel, Jordan, Syria, Lebanon, and big chunks of Saudi Arabia and Iraq. Huckabee quibbled only on the exact size of the fantasy empire, then doubled down that it’d be perfectly acceptable if Israel just went ahead and took the lot. So America’s official representative in Jerusalem is out here endorsing a theologically mandated regional annexation project on a podcast, while Washington pretends it’s still promoting “stability” and “rules-based order.” Imperialism by scripture citation is a bold new chapter in Trump-era diplomacy.

Donald Trump has decided that the best way to negotiate with Iran over its nuclear program is to recreate the vibes of 2003, but dumber. He’s given Tehran “10 to 15 days” to cut a deal while parking the biggest US military buildup in the region since the Iraq invasion right on their doorstep. Aides are reportedly workshopping everything from a “limited strike” on government and military sites to a series of escalating attacks that could end Iran’s nuclear work or, you know, collapse the entire government. Just normal, totally responsible stuff to say out loud while sitting on two aircraft carriers.

While threatening to start another forever war, Trump is also demanding agencies dump their UFO files because Barack Obama made a joke about aliens and got more attention than him. At the same time, Virginia Giuffre’s brother is on TV saying Trump may be “potentially implicated” by the Epstein files (which Trump claims actually exonerate him, because of course they do), and far-right mascot Tommy Robinson is wandering around Washington meeting people close to the president like this is some kind of white nationalist Bring Your Friend to Work Day.

The supporting cast is doing their part. FBI Director Kash Patel reportedly hopped on the bureau’s jet to watch Olympic men’s hockey in Italy, generously sending taxpayers a bill up to $75,000 so he could catch some ice time. Over at the Labor Department, the husband of Labor Secretary Lori Chavez-DeRemer has been barred from headquarters after multiple women accused him of sexual assault, which is apparently still not disqualifying for proximity to this administration. And Trump, fresh off threatening a war, told Georgia supporters that the media isn’t talking about the cost-of-living crisis anymore because he’s "won affordability"—a bold claim from a guy who just turned the Persian Gulf into his personal campaign backdrop.