full stupid
telethon for one: trump cancels rallies, keeps ego on the air
President Trump addresses America via tele-rally, proving you can phone it in both figuratively and literally.
Trump has decided that actually going to Iowa and Kansas to help Republicans in competitive races is for suckers, and will instead hold a bunch of tele-rallies from the comfort of his taxpayer-funded bunker. After bragging for weeks that his physical presence is electoral fairy dust, he’s now discovered that the real secret to victory is dialing in like a robocall with better hair.
The official RNC line is that canceling in-person rallies will "maximize opportunities" for Trump to speak to voters, which is a poetic way of saying, we found a cheaper way to mainline his voice into your ears without risking another hoarse, sweaty meltdown on live TV. GOP operatives in Iowa quietly admit they actually wanted the in-person circus, but are now stuck pretending a tele-rally is just as good as a stadium full of red hats and merch tables.
Pressed on whether his health played a role, Trump assured everyone he feels "perfect" and then pivoted to verbally assaulting a reporter’s appearance, because nothing reassures the nation about presidential stamina like screaming "you look like hell" at the press. He promptly canceled Iowa a few hours later, but don’t worry: he’s still making time for a comfy event in safely Republican Daytona Beach, where the only competitive thing on the ballot is which donor gets the best photo op.
So the midterm "blitz" has evolved into the midterm "conference call," with Trump planning more than 20 tele-rallies before Election Day. Republicans in real swing districts get a dial tone; solid-red Florida gets the live show. As always, the party of strength and winning is bravely retreating to the safest possible stage, as long as the cameras are on and the Wi-Fi works.
The official RNC line is that canceling in-person rallies will "maximize opportunities" for Trump to speak to voters, which is a poetic way of saying, we found a cheaper way to mainline his voice into your ears without risking another hoarse, sweaty meltdown on live TV. GOP operatives in Iowa quietly admit they actually wanted the in-person circus, but are now stuck pretending a tele-rally is just as good as a stadium full of red hats and merch tables.
Pressed on whether his health played a role, Trump assured everyone he feels "perfect" and then pivoted to verbally assaulting a reporter’s appearance, because nothing reassures the nation about presidential stamina like screaming "you look like hell" at the press. He promptly canceled Iowa a few hours later, but don’t worry: he’s still making time for a comfy event in safely Republican Daytona Beach, where the only competitive thing on the ballot is which donor gets the best photo op.
So the midterm "blitz" has evolved into the midterm "conference call," with Trump planning more than 20 tele-rallies before Election Day. Republicans in real swing districts get a dial tone; solid-red Florida gets the live show. As always, the party of strength and winning is bravely retreating to the safest possible stage, as long as the cameras are on and the Wi-Fi works.
